A Mission From God

If God exists there’s no reason to worry & if God does not exist there’s no reason to care.

So why do I care & why am I worried?

I know I care & I know I’m worried for the same reason - I don’t really know the answer - I have doubt - I don’t think I doubt whether or not God exists anymore b/c I know I did not create myself - I only really doubt whether or not God really cares about all of us & me specifically - Nothing about the world suggest to me that God does & nothing about the world teaches me any differently.  I know people who care about me & I know people I care about – what does that really have to do w/ God unless God’s the one who put me where I am so I can care about the people I care about & they can care about me.  But I don’t know this is true.

I can explain the world if God exists & I can explain the world if God does not - what difference does it really make - I’m here now & I’m not alone - It’s impossible to convince anybody who thinks they are here that they are not here - I wake up every morning to the same existence I went to sleep to - No matter what I seem to do or not do my existence never seems to change very much - if at all - I do seem to be getting older - if I eat too much I get fatter - if I eat less I get skinner - I do feel better when I’m not fat than when I‘m fat - both physically & mentally - I actually prefer to eat less most of the time & I usually only eat more when I’m bored - I’m bored most of the time now - Everything bores me & there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it.

I’ve done pretty much everything I ever wanted to do - I feel that everything else that’s left to do that I haven’t is too involved & just really not worth all the effort.  I’ve talked about all this before – but it’s still w/ me now – there doesn’t seem to be a way to escape the thought of it.  I’ve tried & I’ve not tried.

I’d be more than happy to do something interesting - I just can’t figure out what that something interesting could be now - I’m not depressed about it as far as I can tell - If anything I’m angry about the situation - I don’t know what good that does me & I don’t know if it does me any harm either – it doesn’t seem to make any difference at all.  I know I'm not satisfied w/ the way things seem to be now & I'm not really interested in doing anything specific about it now either - I know I’m not happy - I know I’m not sad - so what – I think I'd be perfectly happy w/ everything if I won the lottery today - then I think I'd be satisfied - still waiting for that to happen & I’m not holding my breath - one thing that seems to make everybody happy w/o exception is winning money.

If I had the money I wouldn’t be doing any of this – that’s for certain.  I’ve been happy plenty of times throughout my life thus far – it never seems to last.  What does that tell me about being happy?  I’m not happy now b/c I know there are things I’d rather be doing than what I currently am – things that I only think would make me happier than I am right now – but I think I know. 

I was doing those things before now & was happy doing them – but as usual it didn’t last.  Obviously, being happy is not what’s really important b/c I was happy & then I wasn’t - w/o really having to do anything to make it happen.  I made decisions that made me happier & then things happened that made me not as happy.  I don’t feel like I did anything to make it change – it just did.  Maybe I did - but I just don’t know what it was – not any more than I know for certain what I did to be happy.

I thought I made all the decisions that made me happy – but I’m not aware of the decisions I made to make me not happy.

  

I’m writing what I’m thinking about down b/c nobody I know really wants to talk about it & I can‘t blame them - I don’t really want to talk about it either – but I must b/c I am & like I said before - I got nothing else to do.

Have you really listened to what people actually want to talk about - I care even less about that than this - I'm tired of pretending to give a shit about shit I don't give a shit about - so now I don't - does it make any difference - I can't really tell - only to me I guess.  It does seem to make me happier - everything else still seems the same.  I still don’t think I’m really happy b/c I can imagine a state where I’d be happier than I am now & that requires money.

I can’t even tell whether writing all this shit in my head down does me any good or not - it’s just something to do - At this point I’m doing it for myself - people can read it or not read it - what difference does it really make to anybody but me - I don't know the answer to that now & I might never know – but I’m doing it just the same.

So why would God give a shit about me?  I’m certain many people could give me reasons why & none of them would be anything different than something I’ve already heard - they don‘t really know any more than I do - they’re just repeating something somebody else said before them & those people didn’t know either - this shit’s been going on for such a long time I think people just got tired of trying to figure it out so they just decided to agree w/ what somebody else said so they wouldn’t have to think about it anymore - that doesn’t really work for me & I'm no different - What do I know that somebody else didn't tell me?

As far as I can tell I didn’t ask to be here - it wasn’t a choice anybody I know could have made - not even my parents - sure if they didn’t fuck the night they did I wouldn’t be here right now this second in this exact situation - but they did - sure I can think it could have turned out differently - if this - if that - but could it really have been any different – could they not have fuct that night or day?  I know I can think it’s possible – but I don’t know.

I really don’t think it could have happened any differently than it did b/c that’s how it did happen - There’s no if in life even though there is an I & a F in the middle of the word - Take out the F & you get lie - so what - what does that mean - still doesn’t mean anything I don‘t want it to mean.

Everything happens how it happens & there’s not a damn thing anybody can do about it - hindsight may be 20/20 - but you can't go back in time - so what happens just happens & still you can think differently about it than me - If there's a reason for shit happening the way it does anybody can decide to give it any reason they want for happening - there's no reason to debate the reasons b/c nobody really knows beyond a shadow of doubt - even if they think they do & shit still happens all the time.

My parents fuct b/c they wanted to fuck - Maybe they wanted to have another baby - maybe not - they don’t even remember what day that was so how would they know what they were thinking at the time - The potential for a baby was there b/c they were fucking - but there’s no way they could have known that the baby would be me or that there would even be a baby b/c of it - obviously a sperm found its way into an egg & here I am b/c of all that.

If God made the decision for me to be here now – I’m here b/c of God - if God did not - I’m here just the same - it’s easy for me to give myself a reason for being here - I can make anything up I want - Why wouldn’t I pick something that I want to be a reason as opposed to something I don’t? Why the hell would I pick something that I don’t want to be the reason to be the reason?  I just wouldn’t - so why would God - don't bother answering that - it's rhetorical.

As far as I can tell it certainly doesn’t matter to God whether or not I’m here - if it did God would just make the reason known to me - leaving no room for any doubt in my mind - I certainly don’t want to doubt something if it’s true – If I already know I want to remember now – not later – Why does it seem that I have to jump through a bunch of fiery hoops to find out? 

I’m sure I could still enjoy what life has to offer w/o anymore doubt - Is my mind still free if I can no longer doubt?  I can't decide b/c I can't seem to make myself not have doubt.

Just the fact that I think I exist at all suggests something is responsible for me being here so it seems to make sense there would be some sort of reason - That doesn’t necessarily mean that something else needs to be God - at least not the way religions try to explain what God is - I've heard what they all have to say & I ain't buying what they're selling - I'm not saying there isn't stuff in there that doesn't help me decide for myself b/c there's plenty - but it’s all guess work when it comes to God no matter how much faith you have in whatever you believe - somebody still thought of it before you did no matter what you think.

Beyond God being the Creator of everything – nobody really knows what God is.

All kinds of different people have made up ways to explain God for their own purposes - so why can’t I?  Some may sound like better explanations than others & that has always been & always will be subjective - to me if God is God God does everything perfectly from the start & if God created me then I’m already perfect - I can only doubt it’s true & of course I do - why do I doubt it? - I think it’s b/c that’s what I was taught by people that didn’t know any better themselves b/c that’s what they were taught - I know who I am w/o anybody else having to tell me - if I was created I was created to be me - I know what I love even if I don't know why.

All animals have emotions - only humans can give names to what they feel - only humans can feel doubt or guilt & know what that means b/c they gave doubt & guilt meaning in the first place - A dog might do something its owner doesn’t like & the dog might fear punishment for having done it & maybe guilt really is nothing more than the fear of punishment - but a dog w/o a master wouldn’t care or be worried about being punished - it still would be afraid of something b/c it’s an animal - it's either afraid or not afraid at any given moment - a barking dog is just as afraid as a cowering dog it just expresses its fear differently - do dogs express love differently?

Why are all animals either afraid or not afraid @ any given moment - including humans - Is it b/c every animal wants to survive? Every living thing has the desire to stay alive - Every animal has a personality - Every animal has a defense mechanism built into their thought system & that goes hand in hand w/ their personality - Some defenses seem to work better than others - but what good does a defense do you if you always need to use it - as long as the fear is in your mind you will always think you need the defense - if you're no longer afraid why would you need any defense at all - Is it possible not to be defensive – not to be afraid?

Plants are alive yet they don’t really seem to struggle to survive - they don’t seem to feel anything at all as far as we know - they grow & change & die w/o ever uttering a word about it - cut off one of their limbs & they don’t make a sound - they don’t even try to defend themselves - if they suffer at all they suffer in silence - why does a rose have thorns? - I'll google it later b/c I don't know.

I googled it - a rose has thorns b/c it helps prevent certain animals from eating its buds & flowers.  It’s a defense just as one would think.  I’ve never wanted to eat a rose in my life – why don’t all flowers develop such a defense.   Why roses?

All emotions seem to lead to pain & suffering - even love & fear disguises itself in every emotion including love - we justify the existence of our fears by saying they make us human & so we give our fears other names & call them our emotions - We set our emotions apart from what other animals can think & feel as well b/c that makes us more special - we love our emotions b/c we made them all up - we gave them their meaning - we think our capacity to feel emotions is what sets us apart.

We think b/c we can have compassion for other living things that makes us special - other living things survive just fine w/o any of the compassion we think we have - but maybe they're showing us what true compassion is by only using what they need to live & nothing more - we think b/c we gave names to everything that exists we are more special than everything else even though everything else existed before we gave names to them - If we are our bodies we’re no more special than a grain of sand which last longer than any one of our bodies - I am not a body - If you describe who you think you are to yourself how do you describe who you are?  What does my body have to do w/ what I am?

We think b/c we can think we are as we seem to be that's what we really are - we think in the eyes of a god we are more important than everything else that exists or doesn’t exist – where did we learn that?  If God does exist God certainly doesn’t care anymore for our bodies than a single grain of sand & only humans can think any differently about it.  Everything about the world proves it to us every single day & still anyone can argue just the opposite - it’s easier for me to explain love in a world w/o God than it is to explain fear in a world w/ God. 

Why would God allow something God cares for to be afraid of something it has no reason to be afraid of?  If there was something God could do about it – even if all that was was to let it know God exists – why wouldn’t God just remove that doubt?  There must be a reason if I believe in God.

If God doesn’t care about bodies - what about minds - as far as minds go that’s more difficult to be certain of - Am I a body or a mind or both & am I spirit too - I think I know what all 3 are & of the 3 the body seems to be the most fragile which suggest that that part of me is the farthest from being like God - my mind seems to be my own - but it also seems as much like everybody else’s as my body is - my mind seems to be split in 2 like my brain seems to be – even though I know it’s not really - my body doesn’t do anything w/o my mind telling it to & at the same time it does a lot of things w/o me having to think about them at all - my spirit seems to be different from others - but only in that it wants or desires different things than others do & that’s only true in form - not content.

I love what I love as much as somebody else loves what they love & they could be completely different things - I know what I love & I know what I hate - both do the same thing for me so I must already know who I am w/o any doubt.  So what do I really doubt?

Maybe we all are the Holy Trinity individually & together - Father is Mind - Son is body & Spirit is Spirit - All 3 are Holy together & apart - Even this really makes no difference except to the person who thinks it’s true - I’m not certain it’s true - I have no proof - I do have doubt - it’s really more a question of whether or not it’s in my best interests to believe it is true - I think I have a mind of my own - a body of my own & a spirit of my own - I believe they are separate from everybody else & not separate at the same time – I believe they are slightly different from everybody else & slightly the same - different & the same – separate & united.

I do have to think all that w/ my mind which has some effect on my body which in turn effects both my mind & my spirit - should I believe this is true or not - Either way there’s not really a damn thing I or anybody else can do about any of it - It either is or isn't true - We all can make excuses for why the world is the way it is - nobody really knows for certain.

If my body aches or is in pain it does affect my mind & my spirit.  My mind & my spirit can overcome what my body feels to some extent – but there seems to be a limit to what I can take.  Even if I’m not my body I can’t seem to escape its limitations.

Trying to make a better world is really impossible - it’s as good as it’s ever been & even that won’t stop people from trying - what else are they going to do while they are here - it doesn't hurt anything to try – but you are fooling yourself if you think what you do makes any real difference to how the world is now.  You might think what you’re doing is making a brighter future - but that’s really just what people convince themselves of in order to encourage themselves to carry on w/ whatever they’re doing.  It might seem different b/c of what’s done – but better is a matter of opinion.

Go ask the American Indians if the world is better now than it was before we stole all their land - nobody perceives the world exactly the same - What's better from one perspective is not from another - One can think what one does makes a difference just as easily as one can think nothing does - It only matters to you & the people who think like you do - If you want to make the world better changing your mind about the world is all you need to do.  If that’s not enough for you - you can do anything else you want – but don’t try to convince me it really matters.  I won’t try to stop you from doing it if that’s what you want to do.

Nothing is really any different now than it ever was before humans started walking upright - before humans started keeping track of time - before humans decided what everything means - does going green really make a difference except to the people who believe it does - you can debate this forever & still not know for certain - you can believe it does if you want & pull out all kinds of scientific data that has been collected to prove your point of view - that doesn’t make it true - that doesn't mean it isn't either - if it makes you feel better go ahead - if you have to try to make me feel guilty for not believing it then you’re only showing me your own fear & guilt & doubt about it - you don’t know - you only think you know - just like me - if you’re free to believe what you want then I should be free to believe what I want & vice versa.

Maybe global warming has nothing to do w/ what humans are doing.  Maybe it’s just b/c we’re getting closer to the galactic center.  Maybe that’s heating things up.  History has proven scientist have been wrong about everything they think they know at one time or another.  History does prove that. 

They discover many wonderful things that only provoke more questions about the world we live in – none of which they know answers too – it’s all theory - but what else are all those eggheads going to do w/ their time here.

We’re all just a bunch of fucking monkeys & if God really exists God doesn’t give a shit about what a monkey does any more than I do - it’s all monkey see monkey do to God who obviously doesn’t really care for us monkeys like we‘d want a god to & obviously not the same way we seem care about everything we care about.

No matter how smart you think you are you’re still barely smarter than the dumbest monkey - why would a god even bother to think about us in this world - you see all the shit going on - there really is no point in getting emotional about all of it - It never stops - Everyday it’s the same shit - it's always been that way – even before CNN - it always will be - it doesn't really make any difference unless you're the one the shit is happening to.

Why should I believe my emotions actually mean anything?  Why should I believe they do me any good?  They only seem to hold me back from my real thoughts - thoughts that could actually help me deal w/ this world just as it is w/o concern about the future @ all.  

I learned about emotions like every other monkey - from a bunch of other monkeys who didn’t know any more about it all then I do now.  All animals feel emotions & they all seem to be based on fear - not love.  Watch some nature shows & watch how animals behave towards one another.

Sure mothers try to protect their young – of course they do – to them they are a part of them – but sometimes there just isn’t anything they can do about what happens.  Nature doesn’t help them w/ it either – to nature it’s always survival of the fittest.

When a new male lion takes over a pride from another male the first thing he does is kill all the offspring of the other male lion so the females will mate w/ him.  If there are enough female lions w/ cubs they’ll fight the male – if not they won’t.  They’ll just watch their cubs die.   Elephants do the same shit – so do dolphins.

Male dolphins will work together to kill a young dolphin in order to mate w/ the mother.  That’s nature’s programming.  Animals don’t willingly share their meals w/ other animals either – there’s a pecking order.  Watch some birds in your backyard.

When I was born I couldn’t do anything for myself – When I was a kid I didn’t know squat about why the world is the way it is & I still don’t really - sure I can make up a bunch of stuff - so what - doesn’t mean any of it really matters to anybody but me - the monkeys I can ask for answers don’t really know what is what either - they just make everything up to suit their own purposes - so why shouldn’t I? Everything was already working fine before scientist started figuring out how things work - they’ll never figure out the why - but searching for the why keeps them going - it gives them something to do - If they cure cancer then what?  What are all those doctors & scientist going to do w/ their time then?

There doesn’t seem to be any way for me to lose all my doubt about whether or not God really gives a shit about me - which must mean I still doubt whether or not God even exists even though I know I did not create myself.  If God does exist God must care about us – but why doesn’t it seem that way?  Why don’t I feel it all the time if it’s true?  

If you say it’s all a matter of faith then I say you’re just a fucking cute little monkey.